For a little over a year after my dad's death I felt completely alone and empty. I felt like the friends that I had developed a relationship up until that point left me stranded in my darkest time. When I tried to call them they did not answer. When I tried to approach them on the street or at a restaurant, they hardly acknowledged me. They were not there for me and they did not include me in anything any longer. It made me feel like because of this event, that I had no control over, I had become a burden to them... and a burden to everyone around me. I did not want to feel a burden to anyone so I no longer reached out to anyone. I tried to deal with it on my own. As time went on during this year of darkness I began to seclude myself in my own thoughts and emotions. I kept things bottled up and I let it make my life darker and darker. I was angry and depressed that all these people that I had sacrificed time and my feelings for just left me to free fall into negativity. I asked myself time after time, "Why me?" "What have a done to deserve such pain and suffering?" I did not have friends to lean on for a year and it is because of this and a few other experiences that I became the loner I am today. It has taken time to try and work myself out of the ruts that I started back then, but slowly and surely I am climbing out. My father told me during our last conversation the day he passed that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to, so why not this? Sometimes our mind strays from the path we set on, but its up to us to pull ourselves together.
Being alone with my thoughts for that year, gave me a lot of time to analyze my life and what it has been up until that point. It was a time of self reflection... a time to find myself. It was not easy and I do not wish that on anyone... I do not wish any of my struggles in life to this point on anyone. Despite how tough it was I would not give up this time or any of my life experiences to date. It is who I am, and it makes me... ME. Some times are harder than others to get through, but the main thing is that you get through it. You will come out the other end a stronger individual and more knowledgeable.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
The Smallest Things Mean The Most
I think it took me a long time to shake off the tunnel my mind was in after my father passed away. I do not remember how long, but when he died I thought that I would feel more at ease once his funeral took place and was over. It was roughly five days after his death that the funeral happened and in those five days and for weeks after he passed I continued to have dreams/nightmares about the last conversation that him and I had. Just like it was on repeat or the movie "Groundhogs Day." Every time I woke up I would catch myself calling his cell phone and feeling all the emotion wash from my heart when I realized that even though that was a nightmare that really happened. He was gone... no phone calls, no last minute words, no nothing. It was a rough time to deal with and more than anything I wish I had someone to talk to, I wish I had someone I was comfortable enough to just let out my emotions without fear of judgement. I didn't though and I don't think that was anymore evident than at his funeral.
My dad was a great man and one that did many things regardless of how people felt in the town that I lived in. My family was not always looked at in a great light just because he did things a lot of times against the grain. People throughout this town were not and in my mind still not use to change. They didn't accept it and didn't want people changing it, but my dad did. In doing so, he helped out many people and it was because of this I thought many of my "friends" would have been there for me and to honor him at his funeral. That was not the case though. At my fathers funeral two of my friends showed up and I felt kind of empty. I know it was a very ungrateful way to look at things, but I have always been the outcast or rebel of the family. I had a group of friends that I hung out with and this group of friends was rather big... but this group of "friends" weren't friends as much as they were acquaintances and I found this out that day. Only two of those people showed up to his funeral and stood by my side as I struggled to even go into the funeral home. I never worked up the courage or strength to be able to go into the same room as where the casket was and obviously never saw my father lying in peace. The funeral home had to move three chairs into the adjacent room because the second I entered that room all the strength in my legs and body left... I crumpled and fell to the ground, started crying in agony. I did not want to see it, I did not want to give up, and ultimately did not want that to be the end. I thought the day he died was tough, but I was beginning to realize that the road lay ahead of me would present more challenging tasks and feats to overcome. I was at a disadvantage to where I was two weeks prior to this, I disadvantage of that fatherly knowledge to lean on... that ability to ask for advice. I no longer had that bond and relationship a father and son share. I felt alone and emotionless.
My dad was a great man and one that did many things regardless of how people felt in the town that I lived in. My family was not always looked at in a great light just because he did things a lot of times against the grain. People throughout this town were not and in my mind still not use to change. They didn't accept it and didn't want people changing it, but my dad did. In doing so, he helped out many people and it was because of this I thought many of my "friends" would have been there for me and to honor him at his funeral. That was not the case though. At my fathers funeral two of my friends showed up and I felt kind of empty. I know it was a very ungrateful way to look at things, but I have always been the outcast or rebel of the family. I had a group of friends that I hung out with and this group of friends was rather big... but this group of "friends" weren't friends as much as they were acquaintances and I found this out that day. Only two of those people showed up to his funeral and stood by my side as I struggled to even go into the funeral home. I never worked up the courage or strength to be able to go into the same room as where the casket was and obviously never saw my father lying in peace. The funeral home had to move three chairs into the adjacent room because the second I entered that room all the strength in my legs and body left... I crumpled and fell to the ground, started crying in agony. I did not want to see it, I did not want to give up, and ultimately did not want that to be the end. I thought the day he died was tough, but I was beginning to realize that the road lay ahead of me would present more challenging tasks and feats to overcome. I was at a disadvantage to where I was two weeks prior to this, I disadvantage of that fatherly knowledge to lean on... that ability to ask for advice. I no longer had that bond and relationship a father and son share. I felt alone and emotionless.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
You Don't Know What You Have Until It's Gone
When I graduated high school, I thought that was my transformation to becoming an adult, but... wow, little did I know it would take an incredible event to make me understand that I was far from an adult after high school graduation. I was 19 years old, the date was November 13, 2005 and the day started like any other day, but the end would be the start of a nightmare I wish I would never have to relive.
At this time in my life I was living with my mother and two sisters in a two bedroom apartment on the outside of town. I slept on the couch and my two sisters shared one of the two bedrooms. My mother and father had been separated for a little over a year and at this point in time my dad was working in Arizona. The day went by quietly, due to the fact I was home alone most of the day. I received a call early afternoon from my father and it was a phone call that I will never be able to wash from my memory. Their was a tone in my dads voice that I had never heard before. A tone of failure and sadness, a tone of the end. My father went on to tell me that he had not had a good nights rest in over a month due to reoccurring dreams from Vietnam. My father served as a United States Marine in the Vietnam War and sustained injuries physically and mentally that he fought with the remainder of his life. He told me that he saw the men he had killed while overseas and that he could not take another day like it. I was speechless, even though I wish I had the words to help him understand the meaning of what he had done for his country and for me. I looked up to my dad and his accomplishments and not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. My father continued to tell me of how proud he was of me, that I would do great things in life and that he knows I can achieve whatever I set my mind on. At this point in time I had come to the realization of what he was getting at. In the previous months he had discussed suicide many times and made a few attempts, but that night was different from the others. When I realized this, emotions just rushed through my body and then seemed to wash away. I wanted to cry, but I was froze... my dad continued by telling me that he loved me and will always be there for me, all I have to do is start talking and he will here me. That is when the tears began to pour from my eyes and all I could muster to say is I love you dad. Of all the things that come to mind now, all I could muster to get out of my mouth was I love you dad and he was no longer on the other end of the phone. He had set the phone down and I could still here him in the background but he could no longer here me. He wasn't holding the phone to his ear anymore. A few moments later I heard two blood curdling screams that sent chills through my body and seconds later a loud thud. I heard him gasping for breath and as much as I wanted it to end I couldn't hang the phone up. I couldn't give up just like that, but now I wish I had. These memories will never leave my head and they will always bring tears of sadness and insecurity. Tears that remind me of how much I wish I could do and the inability to do a thing. I heard him take his final breathes and then I hung the phone up. I sat in the living room staring into a haze the rest of the night, I didn't attempt to call anyone... I didn't move. So many emotions and so many thoughts were rushing through my body and head but I couldn't focus on any one of them. I was trying to wake myself up from a horrible dream, I couldn't believe that this was actually happening. That my dad was no longer alive to be with me for future accomplishments, that I no longer had a dad to ask for advice when I wasn't sure. I felt alone and I felt like part of my heart had been ripped from my chest. Later that evening my mom returned from work, but she was accompanied by the Chief Of Police and his wife, I knew that this "dream" I had experienced was real and the emotions flushed back through my body.
It is hard not to take things for granted in life, for sometimes you never know what you have until you no longer have it. Appreciate everyday as if it were a gift, every little thing that comes your way try not to expect it but it is wrapped up with a bow... a gift to you.
At this time in my life I was living with my mother and two sisters in a two bedroom apartment on the outside of town. I slept on the couch and my two sisters shared one of the two bedrooms. My mother and father had been separated for a little over a year and at this point in time my dad was working in Arizona. The day went by quietly, due to the fact I was home alone most of the day. I received a call early afternoon from my father and it was a phone call that I will never be able to wash from my memory. Their was a tone in my dads voice that I had never heard before. A tone of failure and sadness, a tone of the end. My father went on to tell me that he had not had a good nights rest in over a month due to reoccurring dreams from Vietnam. My father served as a United States Marine in the Vietnam War and sustained injuries physically and mentally that he fought with the remainder of his life. He told me that he saw the men he had killed while overseas and that he could not take another day like it. I was speechless, even though I wish I had the words to help him understand the meaning of what he had done for his country and for me. I looked up to my dad and his accomplishments and not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. My father continued to tell me of how proud he was of me, that I would do great things in life and that he knows I can achieve whatever I set my mind on. At this point in time I had come to the realization of what he was getting at. In the previous months he had discussed suicide many times and made a few attempts, but that night was different from the others. When I realized this, emotions just rushed through my body and then seemed to wash away. I wanted to cry, but I was froze... my dad continued by telling me that he loved me and will always be there for me, all I have to do is start talking and he will here me. That is when the tears began to pour from my eyes and all I could muster to say is I love you dad. Of all the things that come to mind now, all I could muster to get out of my mouth was I love you dad and he was no longer on the other end of the phone. He had set the phone down and I could still here him in the background but he could no longer here me. He wasn't holding the phone to his ear anymore. A few moments later I heard two blood curdling screams that sent chills through my body and seconds later a loud thud. I heard him gasping for breath and as much as I wanted it to end I couldn't hang the phone up. I couldn't give up just like that, but now I wish I had. These memories will never leave my head and they will always bring tears of sadness and insecurity. Tears that remind me of how much I wish I could do and the inability to do a thing. I heard him take his final breathes and then I hung the phone up. I sat in the living room staring into a haze the rest of the night, I didn't attempt to call anyone... I didn't move. So many emotions and so many thoughts were rushing through my body and head but I couldn't focus on any one of them. I was trying to wake myself up from a horrible dream, I couldn't believe that this was actually happening. That my dad was no longer alive to be with me for future accomplishments, that I no longer had a dad to ask for advice when I wasn't sure. I felt alone and I felt like part of my heart had been ripped from my chest. Later that evening my mom returned from work, but she was accompanied by the Chief Of Police and his wife, I knew that this "dream" I had experienced was real and the emotions flushed back through my body.
It is hard not to take things for granted in life, for sometimes you never know what you have until you no longer have it. Appreciate everyday as if it were a gift, every little thing that comes your way try not to expect it but it is wrapped up with a bow... a gift to you.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
It's Been A Minute
I have fallen away from writing in my blog and for no one reason, but the general thought that I do not have time for this. Regardless of the fact, I think writing is an excellent outlet for my frustration and festering thoughts. I have always been told that allowing emotions and thoughts/memories to fester will only create more problems in the future. It may be easier to push them to the side or lock them away than dealing with them when they are fresh in the mind. I have experienced plenty of events in my life that I wish I had not had to and plenty of times I have asked why me? All in all the only thing that I can come up with is that these things would not happen to me if I was not strong enough to handle them. Guess what? I am still here, and I am still moving along. All that being said from the next post on I will take a journey through my life. Everyone who wishes to jump on this train of emotion, heartbreak and sorrow the ride is free... comments are welcome but all will require moderation by myself.
Friday, November 18, 2011
At It Again
One of these days I am going to get a routine going in my life in which I am capable of posting new blogs on a more frequent basis... until then bare with me. Hahah. A lot has taken place in the past few months. I am not going to go into much detail because I only have one good working arm so it takes me time to type out a long message or blog in this case. I have still been drawing and in this blog I have attached two of my most recent finished drawings. It seems as though I excel when I am in a complete emotional roller coaster that cannot be stopped. Not only that but this past Monday I had surgery on my right shoulder to repair several tears. Much more stuff has happened but those are the main two that have been going on. If you have any comments, critiques, etc about the drawings please let me know. I only see it from one side.
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Fascination with Reapers
I'm not sure what it is about drawing the Grim Reaper, but I enjoy it for some reason. I wanted to get back into the drawing mode and I had a couple unfinished drawings that I wanted to work on and make some noticeable progress. The first one, as displayed, is a reaper that has been sitting around not even half drawn. Granted there is still work to be done on this, but I did manage to give this reaper a full cloak today as well as make progress on the shading. I still have a background to throw in to complete the picture but I am not worried about that as much right now. The second drawing is one the I have been working on for my for some time now. I do not have any pictures on tap for that drawing. That is a little more top secret. Once it is complete and the final product is here I'll take a snapshot and post. Enjoy... comments regarding drawings are encouraged. Thursday, September 22, 2011
Packers/Panthers
So I attended the Carolina Panthers/Green Bay Packers game last Sunday. I had an amazing time, however just when everything about the trip seems to be going perfectly, and more conviced we would have planned a perfectly executed trip. Absolutely flawless. Say it ain't so... It was so. Until a misguided car added an hour and a half on to the drive home. Yes you heard that right, my A-Driver either did not want to go back to Camp Lejeune or he had too much to drink throughout the day. Probably a little of both. Regardless it was a good time and I may share a story or two about the trip if I have anyone that would like to hear some. Check out this video below... "It's uh-me Mario." Yeah I am the random Mario... we had a great time.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Surgery Complete
Roughly three weeks ago I had surgery on my elbow. Everything with the recovery has been going smoothly as far as I can tell. The pain from the surgery has been more irritating than anything from the position of the incision and the length. As of now the stitches are out and, for the most part, its just a scar now... for the most part! It still hurts and I do not have complete movement of it. If I use it too much throughout the day, it will be stiff the following day. I have started another drawing, if you have a bad habit of stopping in the middle of one drawing and starting another. At some point in time I eventually complete them. More pictures to come soon.Monday, August 29, 2011
Things That Make You Say.... Hmmm.
So Hurricane Irene was by no means horrible, but it was not a walk in the park either. Usually here in the Eastern Carolina we do not get hit by many hurricanes if any. While I have been stationed here; I have been around for 3 projected hurricanes... the first hurricane turned out to be a little rain and wind for about an hour and then clear skies, the second hurricane... well... didn't happen, and the third hurricane, Irene, a Category 1 storm when it ran through Jacksonville. It did enough damage to frustrate and make me as uncomfortable as I think I can be. My power was knocked out from the onset storms of Irene on Friday night and just came back on this afternoon. I know a lot of people have it worse than I do and I do appreciate the luxuries that I have, however I was very aggravated, irritated, and "insert word here" not having ac or any form of electronic entertainment. I did get some sleep while without electricity, but I kept waking every hour or so because I would get too sweaty hot. Food was also an issue that added to the descriptive words above. Of course the food that I had wanted to eat all required either the over, microwave, or toaster oven. None of which I could use. Yesterday the neighbor stopped by and mentioned that he might be able to get us a generator, which just to mention would have been amazing, but that was just a tease and we never heard back. My roommates and I called the power company and got redirected for what seemed like an hour and then finally was told "fortunately" our power would be back on by Thursday. I was in utter disbelief and I didn't think I could go another night, but I did and it was just as uncomfortable as the first. Today I woke up with high hopes that the power would already be on and then later on in the day we were told it would be on this evening and moments after we were told power trucks and tree service trucks came rolling up. I do have my power on and it is such a relief. I can not wait to sleep in a cozy bed in a cozy room.
On the drawing end of the road, has been lifeless. I have not been able to get myself in the past three days to sit down for an extended period of time and focus on one thing. The heat and lifeless of the house made me kind of feel the same way. The house is back, so I am too.... gonna sleep peacefully tonight *fingers crossed*.
On the drawing end of the road, has been lifeless. I have not been able to get myself in the past three days to sit down for an extended period of time and focus on one thing. The heat and lifeless of the house made me kind of feel the same way. The house is back, so I am too.... gonna sleep peacefully tonight *fingers crossed*.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Irene... Irene
It almost seems natural to post something regarding the upcoming hurricane. I am fortunate enough to be stationed in one of the states it is expected to hit. I know, right? One of my friend yesterday brought up a very good point... in one year North Carolina has had, what seems like, every kind of weather storm each season. Here in North Carolina we have been through an earthquake, snow flurries, ridiculous rain storms, wild fires, unbelievable humidity, and hurricanes. You would think this state would be prepared for all these major weather events, right? Well the answer is, no. This county might own its on dump truck, if you get my drift.
Sometime Saturday Hurricane Irene is projected to come through the area I live in. It has been unknown the past few hurricanes that were projected to hit here if we need to take any extra preventative measures in order to ensure our own safety, but it ended up being clear and sunny the day we were suppose to be hit with the last hurricane. The weather is weird here and definitely not what I grew up back with in Illinois. It is best to expect the worst and hope for the best.
I did not do any drawing yesterday. My elbow and forearm felt a little rough and banged up throughout the day, as expected. I was really close to starting it up last night, but my exhaustion overcame me and I fell asleep. I did ice my arm throughout the day yesterday and I think as a result my arm is feeling a ton better today. Time to go back and lay down.
Sometime Saturday Hurricane Irene is projected to come through the area I live in. It has been unknown the past few hurricanes that were projected to hit here if we need to take any extra preventative measures in order to ensure our own safety, but it ended up being clear and sunny the day we were suppose to be hit with the last hurricane. The weather is weird here and definitely not what I grew up back with in Illinois. It is best to expect the worst and hope for the best.
I did not do any drawing yesterday. My elbow and forearm felt a little rough and banged up throughout the day, as expected. I was really close to starting it up last night, but my exhaustion overcame me and I fell asleep. I did ice my arm throughout the day yesterday and I think as a result my arm is feeling a ton better today. Time to go back and lay down.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Red Barn
I started this drawing about two weeks ago. I had a lot of progress the first few days working on it, but then I ran into a road block... I did not have my sticky-tak eraser. I took a few days away from it and got my eraser, then proceeded to finish the drawing. Unfortunately with my inexperience in drawing these larger drawings I tend to lose interest in finishing, for one reason or another. This photo that I have titled "Red Barn" is not complete just yet, but I have made leaps and bounds so far.
On another note, it is day two post surgery. My arm is throbbing in pain, as expected. This, however, will not effect my drawing capabilities due to my ability to write/draw left handed. It has effected my ability to do most other things. I am very limited to what I can do until my right elbow is healed.
As always please comment, critique, criticize, bitch, moan, or complain about my drawing. All are welcome.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Surgery Complete
After months of going through pain and stress dealing with my right arm... I finally have some sort of resolution. This morning I went in for surgery on my ulnar nerve in my elbow. Obviously things went well or else I may still be under the knife. Haha. Unfortunately this surgery is more of a prevention of injuring the ulnar nerve worse than it already is... however some of the feeling in my pinky and ring finger have come back. On another bright note, the recovery process should be pretty quick. I recently, as in this past Saturday, I checked in from leave. It was not much of a vacation, all I did was watch a friends house/dogs. Now I am back on leave due to my injury for a few weeks. On my time off, of course, I am going to do some rest and recovery, but I am also going to catch up on some drawing and down time alone.As for the drawing I promised yesterday... it is coming, at least previews of it. Hopefully this will take place tomorrow, but no later than Friday. Hope everyone had just as good of a Monday as I did ; ).
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Remodeling
Remodeling... well; in a way I guess. Monday I will be getting surgery on my elbow. Back a few months ago I broke my hand and since then my arm has been numb, weak, and just a pain in the ass. I will finally have some sort of resolution to my problem. The feeling in my last two fingers may not come back, but it will not get any worse after the surgery. I could bitch and whine all day about this, but I am not... it is not my dominant hand.
As far as drawing goes, I have been working on one drawing. I will give a sneak preview of the drawing tomorrow. For now it is time for movie and bed. Have a good night.
As far as drawing goes, I have been working on one drawing. I will give a sneak preview of the drawing tomorrow. For now it is time for movie and bed. Have a good night.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Fall is Coming Soon
Leaves are always fun to draw. Last night in my frustration, I started and finished this leaf. I am pretty happy with the outcome. I am trying to learn some of my new drawing book and it was going well but I have ran into a wall. I do not have all my art supplies with me so in the mean time I will continue to draw small little side pieces to help improve other techniques. Enjoy...
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Saturday, August 13, 2011
External Morphology of the Hand... that's what she said!?
I am still drawing, I have included a few below as proof. I have simply been slacking on updating this darn thing. I have bought another drawing book on landscapes, I hope its a good one. More drawings to come, I am working on several as I write this post. Stay tuned.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Back to Drawing
It has been a minute since my last activity on blogger,but I am back for some more. I have done some drawings that I have yet to post here, however I will show you those later. Even though my most recent drawing is not finished I am posting it now. I have come to the portion of the book dealing with Anatomy... specifically Osteology. This picture is of the hand, if you can't tell. Critiques are always welcome, let me know what you think.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Thursday, June 16, 2011
A Little Bit About Myself
Its been a minute since I have posted a drawing on my blog, trust me though. I am still drawing, however I will not be putting another drawing today. I would like to take the time to tell all of you who visit a little bit about myself.
I am 24 years old and I reside in the wonderful town of Jacksonville, North Carolina. I was born July 4, 1986 in Fayetteville, North Carolina. Depsite being born and living in North Carolina now I spent most of my childhood growing up in Illinois. I am a Corporal in the United States Marine Corps. I have served in the Marines for roughly 3 1/2 years, to include a 11 month deployment to Iraq in 2009. To the left, I have included several recent pictures of myself recieving a Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal from the Battery Commanding Officer and my Battery 1st Sgt. If you have questions, please, don't hesitate to ask. OOOORAH, Semper Fi!
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Back To The Drawing Books... Literally!
I have decided it is time to take a break from drawing portraits and visit sections of my drawing book that I have not gone through. The next section I encountered was drawing the hand... sounds easy to me. Well it was not easy at all. I have never really had many problems drawing hands, but I have never drawn them in great detail or studied the structure. Below I have included my results from the first page of tips and tricks of drawing the hand. I can say right now, the tips and tricks were not much help. I ended up trying to mirror the images the visually showed these "helpful" hints. As far as I am concerned, the results are mediocre at best, however it was a good learning experience. Now that I have a little more guidance and focus on what I need to do in order to accomplish my end product I am going to move on to the second page of teach me how to draw the hand. Wish me luck!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Catching On... Slowly
After numerous attempts at drawing a portrait that looks like a real person, yes just a real person, I think I have accomplished my mission. With the thanks of a friend's (Beth ;) ) picture as my object to draw I was able to draw a portrait and get some constructive criciticism. I found out in the end that I am the most critical of my drawings or atleast that is the what my subject conveyed to me. I hope you all enjoy the drawing. Once again... constructive criticism is encouraged and/or any comments. Thanks!
Friday, May 27, 2011
And The Beat Keeps Running...
However, I can say that no matter how a drawing turns out in the end, it is a rollercoaster drawing the picture along the way; nothing is ever smooth or easy, along the way it sometimes is frustrating (you would like to kick the person running the ride in the face and stop completely!), and ultimately as good as everyone else thinks it is, I am always double guessing it. Please leave critiques on anything you think I can improve myself on. Thanks, come again!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)