For a little over a year after my dad's death I felt completely alone and empty. I felt like the friends that I had developed a relationship up until that point left me stranded in my darkest time. When I tried to call them they did not answer. When I tried to approach them on the street or at a restaurant, they hardly acknowledged me. They were not there for me and they did not include me in anything any longer. It made me feel like because of this event, that I had no control over, I had become a burden to them... and a burden to everyone around me. I did not want to feel a burden to anyone so I no longer reached out to anyone. I tried to deal with it on my own. As time went on during this year of darkness I began to seclude myself in my own thoughts and emotions. I kept things bottled up and I let it make my life darker and darker. I was angry and depressed that all these people that I had sacrificed time and my feelings for just left me to free fall into negativity. I asked myself time after time, "Why me?" "What have a done to deserve such pain and suffering?" I did not have friends to lean on for a year and it is because of this and a few other experiences that I became the loner I am today. It has taken time to try and work myself out of the ruts that I started back then, but slowly and surely I am climbing out. My father told me during our last conversation the day he passed that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to, so why not this? Sometimes our mind strays from the path we set on, but its up to us to pull ourselves together.
Being alone with my thoughts for that year, gave me a lot of time to analyze my life and what it has been up until that point. It was a time of self reflection... a time to find myself. It was not easy and I do not wish that on anyone... I do not wish any of my struggles in life to this point on anyone. Despite how tough it was I would not give up this time or any of my life experiences to date. It is who I am, and it makes me... ME. Some times are harder than others to get through, but the main thing is that you get through it. You will come out the other end a stronger individual and more knowledgeable.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
The Smallest Things Mean The Most
I think it took me a long time to shake off the tunnel my mind was in after my father passed away. I do not remember how long, but when he died I thought that I would feel more at ease once his funeral took place and was over. It was roughly five days after his death that the funeral happened and in those five days and for weeks after he passed I continued to have dreams/nightmares about the last conversation that him and I had. Just like it was on repeat or the movie "Groundhogs Day." Every time I woke up I would catch myself calling his cell phone and feeling all the emotion wash from my heart when I realized that even though that was a nightmare that really happened. He was gone... no phone calls, no last minute words, no nothing. It was a rough time to deal with and more than anything I wish I had someone to talk to, I wish I had someone I was comfortable enough to just let out my emotions without fear of judgement. I didn't though and I don't think that was anymore evident than at his funeral.
My dad was a great man and one that did many things regardless of how people felt in the town that I lived in. My family was not always looked at in a great light just because he did things a lot of times against the grain. People throughout this town were not and in my mind still not use to change. They didn't accept it and didn't want people changing it, but my dad did. In doing so, he helped out many people and it was because of this I thought many of my "friends" would have been there for me and to honor him at his funeral. That was not the case though. At my fathers funeral two of my friends showed up and I felt kind of empty. I know it was a very ungrateful way to look at things, but I have always been the outcast or rebel of the family. I had a group of friends that I hung out with and this group of friends was rather big... but this group of "friends" weren't friends as much as they were acquaintances and I found this out that day. Only two of those people showed up to his funeral and stood by my side as I struggled to even go into the funeral home. I never worked up the courage or strength to be able to go into the same room as where the casket was and obviously never saw my father lying in peace. The funeral home had to move three chairs into the adjacent room because the second I entered that room all the strength in my legs and body left... I crumpled and fell to the ground, started crying in agony. I did not want to see it, I did not want to give up, and ultimately did not want that to be the end. I thought the day he died was tough, but I was beginning to realize that the road lay ahead of me would present more challenging tasks and feats to overcome. I was at a disadvantage to where I was two weeks prior to this, I disadvantage of that fatherly knowledge to lean on... that ability to ask for advice. I no longer had that bond and relationship a father and son share. I felt alone and emotionless.
My dad was a great man and one that did many things regardless of how people felt in the town that I lived in. My family was not always looked at in a great light just because he did things a lot of times against the grain. People throughout this town were not and in my mind still not use to change. They didn't accept it and didn't want people changing it, but my dad did. In doing so, he helped out many people and it was because of this I thought many of my "friends" would have been there for me and to honor him at his funeral. That was not the case though. At my fathers funeral two of my friends showed up and I felt kind of empty. I know it was a very ungrateful way to look at things, but I have always been the outcast or rebel of the family. I had a group of friends that I hung out with and this group of friends was rather big... but this group of "friends" weren't friends as much as they were acquaintances and I found this out that day. Only two of those people showed up to his funeral and stood by my side as I struggled to even go into the funeral home. I never worked up the courage or strength to be able to go into the same room as where the casket was and obviously never saw my father lying in peace. The funeral home had to move three chairs into the adjacent room because the second I entered that room all the strength in my legs and body left... I crumpled and fell to the ground, started crying in agony. I did not want to see it, I did not want to give up, and ultimately did not want that to be the end. I thought the day he died was tough, but I was beginning to realize that the road lay ahead of me would present more challenging tasks and feats to overcome. I was at a disadvantage to where I was two weeks prior to this, I disadvantage of that fatherly knowledge to lean on... that ability to ask for advice. I no longer had that bond and relationship a father and son share. I felt alone and emotionless.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
You Don't Know What You Have Until It's Gone
When I graduated high school, I thought that was my transformation to becoming an adult, but... wow, little did I know it would take an incredible event to make me understand that I was far from an adult after high school graduation. I was 19 years old, the date was November 13, 2005 and the day started like any other day, but the end would be the start of a nightmare I wish I would never have to relive.
At this time in my life I was living with my mother and two sisters in a two bedroom apartment on the outside of town. I slept on the couch and my two sisters shared one of the two bedrooms. My mother and father had been separated for a little over a year and at this point in time my dad was working in Arizona. The day went by quietly, due to the fact I was home alone most of the day. I received a call early afternoon from my father and it was a phone call that I will never be able to wash from my memory. Their was a tone in my dads voice that I had never heard before. A tone of failure and sadness, a tone of the end. My father went on to tell me that he had not had a good nights rest in over a month due to reoccurring dreams from Vietnam. My father served as a United States Marine in the Vietnam War and sustained injuries physically and mentally that he fought with the remainder of his life. He told me that he saw the men he had killed while overseas and that he could not take another day like it. I was speechless, even though I wish I had the words to help him understand the meaning of what he had done for his country and for me. I looked up to my dad and his accomplishments and not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. My father continued to tell me of how proud he was of me, that I would do great things in life and that he knows I can achieve whatever I set my mind on. At this point in time I had come to the realization of what he was getting at. In the previous months he had discussed suicide many times and made a few attempts, but that night was different from the others. When I realized this, emotions just rushed through my body and then seemed to wash away. I wanted to cry, but I was froze... my dad continued by telling me that he loved me and will always be there for me, all I have to do is start talking and he will here me. That is when the tears began to pour from my eyes and all I could muster to say is I love you dad. Of all the things that come to mind now, all I could muster to get out of my mouth was I love you dad and he was no longer on the other end of the phone. He had set the phone down and I could still here him in the background but he could no longer here me. He wasn't holding the phone to his ear anymore. A few moments later I heard two blood curdling screams that sent chills through my body and seconds later a loud thud. I heard him gasping for breath and as much as I wanted it to end I couldn't hang the phone up. I couldn't give up just like that, but now I wish I had. These memories will never leave my head and they will always bring tears of sadness and insecurity. Tears that remind me of how much I wish I could do and the inability to do a thing. I heard him take his final breathes and then I hung the phone up. I sat in the living room staring into a haze the rest of the night, I didn't attempt to call anyone... I didn't move. So many emotions and so many thoughts were rushing through my body and head but I couldn't focus on any one of them. I was trying to wake myself up from a horrible dream, I couldn't believe that this was actually happening. That my dad was no longer alive to be with me for future accomplishments, that I no longer had a dad to ask for advice when I wasn't sure. I felt alone and I felt like part of my heart had been ripped from my chest. Later that evening my mom returned from work, but she was accompanied by the Chief Of Police and his wife, I knew that this "dream" I had experienced was real and the emotions flushed back through my body.
It is hard not to take things for granted in life, for sometimes you never know what you have until you no longer have it. Appreciate everyday as if it were a gift, every little thing that comes your way try not to expect it but it is wrapped up with a bow... a gift to you.
At this time in my life I was living with my mother and two sisters in a two bedroom apartment on the outside of town. I slept on the couch and my two sisters shared one of the two bedrooms. My mother and father had been separated for a little over a year and at this point in time my dad was working in Arizona. The day went by quietly, due to the fact I was home alone most of the day. I received a call early afternoon from my father and it was a phone call that I will never be able to wash from my memory. Their was a tone in my dads voice that I had never heard before. A tone of failure and sadness, a tone of the end. My father went on to tell me that he had not had a good nights rest in over a month due to reoccurring dreams from Vietnam. My father served as a United States Marine in the Vietnam War and sustained injuries physically and mentally that he fought with the remainder of his life. He told me that he saw the men he had killed while overseas and that he could not take another day like it. I was speechless, even though I wish I had the words to help him understand the meaning of what he had done for his country and for me. I looked up to my dad and his accomplishments and not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. My father continued to tell me of how proud he was of me, that I would do great things in life and that he knows I can achieve whatever I set my mind on. At this point in time I had come to the realization of what he was getting at. In the previous months he had discussed suicide many times and made a few attempts, but that night was different from the others. When I realized this, emotions just rushed through my body and then seemed to wash away. I wanted to cry, but I was froze... my dad continued by telling me that he loved me and will always be there for me, all I have to do is start talking and he will here me. That is when the tears began to pour from my eyes and all I could muster to say is I love you dad. Of all the things that come to mind now, all I could muster to get out of my mouth was I love you dad and he was no longer on the other end of the phone. He had set the phone down and I could still here him in the background but he could no longer here me. He wasn't holding the phone to his ear anymore. A few moments later I heard two blood curdling screams that sent chills through my body and seconds later a loud thud. I heard him gasping for breath and as much as I wanted it to end I couldn't hang the phone up. I couldn't give up just like that, but now I wish I had. These memories will never leave my head and they will always bring tears of sadness and insecurity. Tears that remind me of how much I wish I could do and the inability to do a thing. I heard him take his final breathes and then I hung the phone up. I sat in the living room staring into a haze the rest of the night, I didn't attempt to call anyone... I didn't move. So many emotions and so many thoughts were rushing through my body and head but I couldn't focus on any one of them. I was trying to wake myself up from a horrible dream, I couldn't believe that this was actually happening. That my dad was no longer alive to be with me for future accomplishments, that I no longer had a dad to ask for advice when I wasn't sure. I felt alone and I felt like part of my heart had been ripped from my chest. Later that evening my mom returned from work, but she was accompanied by the Chief Of Police and his wife, I knew that this "dream" I had experienced was real and the emotions flushed back through my body.
It is hard not to take things for granted in life, for sometimes you never know what you have until you no longer have it. Appreciate everyday as if it were a gift, every little thing that comes your way try not to expect it but it is wrapped up with a bow... a gift to you.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
It's Been A Minute
I have fallen away from writing in my blog and for no one reason, but the general thought that I do not have time for this. Regardless of the fact, I think writing is an excellent outlet for my frustration and festering thoughts. I have always been told that allowing emotions and thoughts/memories to fester will only create more problems in the future. It may be easier to push them to the side or lock them away than dealing with them when they are fresh in the mind. I have experienced plenty of events in my life that I wish I had not had to and plenty of times I have asked why me? All in all the only thing that I can come up with is that these things would not happen to me if I was not strong enough to handle them. Guess what? I am still here, and I am still moving along. All that being said from the next post on I will take a journey through my life. Everyone who wishes to jump on this train of emotion, heartbreak and sorrow the ride is free... comments are welcome but all will require moderation by myself.
Friday, November 18, 2011
At It Again
One of these days I am going to get a routine going in my life in which I am capable of posting new blogs on a more frequent basis... until then bare with me. Hahah. A lot has taken place in the past few months. I am not going to go into much detail because I only have one good working arm so it takes me time to type out a long message or blog in this case. I have still been drawing and in this blog I have attached two of my most recent finished drawings. It seems as though I excel when I am in a complete emotional roller coaster that cannot be stopped. Not only that but this past Monday I had surgery on my right shoulder to repair several tears. Much more stuff has happened but those are the main two that have been going on. If you have any comments, critiques, etc about the drawings please let me know. I only see it from one side.
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