You Don't Know What You Have Until It's Gone

When I graduated high school, I thought that was my transformation to becoming an adult, but... wow, little did I know it would take an incredible event to make me understand that I was far from an adult after high school graduation. I was 19 years old, the date was November 13, 2005 and the day started like any other day, but the end would be the start of a nightmare I wish I would never have to relive.

At this time in my life I was living with my mother and two sisters in a two bedroom apartment on the outside of town. I slept on the couch and my two sisters shared one of the two bedrooms. My mother and father had been separated for a little over a year and at this point in time my dad was working in Arizona. The day went by quietly, due to the fact I was home alone most of the day. I received a call early afternoon from my father and it was a phone call that I will never be able to wash from my memory. Their was a tone in my dads voice that I had never heard before. A tone of failure and sadness, a tone of the end.  My father went on to tell me that he had not had a good nights rest in over a month due to reoccurring dreams from Vietnam. My father served as a United States Marine in the Vietnam War and sustained injuries physically and mentally that he fought with the remainder of his life. He told me that he saw the men he had killed while overseas and that he could not take another day like it. I was speechless, even though I wish I had the words to help him understand the meaning of what he had done for his country and for me. I looked up to my dad and his accomplishments and not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. My father continued to tell me of how proud he was of me, that I would do great things in life and that he knows I can achieve whatever I set my mind on. At this point in time I had come to the realization of what he was getting at. In the previous months he had discussed suicide many times and made a few attempts, but that night was different from the others. When I realized this, emotions just rushed through my body and then seemed to wash away. I wanted to cry, but I was froze... my dad continued by telling me that he loved me and will always be there for me, all I have to do is start talking and he will here me. That is when the tears began to pour from my eyes and all I could muster to say is I love you dad. Of all the things that come to mind now, all I could muster to get out of my mouth was I love you dad and he was no longer on the other end of the phone. He had set the phone down and I could still here him in the background but he could no longer here me. He wasn't holding the phone to his ear anymore. A few moments later I heard two blood curdling screams that sent chills through my body and seconds later a loud thud. I heard him gasping for breath and as much as I wanted it to end I couldn't hang the phone up. I couldn't give up just like that, but now I wish I had. These memories will never leave my head and they will always bring tears of sadness and insecurity. Tears that remind me of how much I wish I could do and the inability to do a thing. I heard him take his final breathes and then I hung the phone up. I sat in the living room staring into a haze the rest of the night, I didn't attempt to call anyone... I didn't move. So many emotions and so many thoughts were rushing through my body and head but I couldn't focus on any one of them. I was trying to wake myself up from a horrible dream, I couldn't believe that this was actually happening. That my dad was no longer alive to be with me for future accomplishments, that I no longer had a dad to ask for advice when I wasn't sure. I felt alone and I felt like part of my heart had been ripped from my chest. Later that evening my mom returned from work, but she was accompanied by the Chief Of Police and his wife, I knew that this "dream" I had experienced was real and the emotions flushed back through my body.

It is hard not to take things for granted in life, for sometimes you never know what you have until you no longer have it. Appreciate everyday as if it were a gift, every little thing that comes your way try not to expect it but it is wrapped up with a bow... a gift to you.

It's Been A Minute

I have fallen away from writing in my blog and for no one reason, but the general thought that I do not have time for this. Regardless of the fact, I think writing is an excellent outlet for my frustration and festering thoughts.  I have always been told that allowing emotions and thoughts/memories to fester will only create more problems in the future. It may be easier to push them to the side or lock them away than dealing with them when they are fresh in the mind. I have experienced plenty of events in my life that I wish I had not had to and plenty of times I have asked why me? All in all the only thing that I can come up with is that these things would not happen to me if I was not strong enough to handle them. Guess what? I am still here, and I am still moving along. All that being said from the next post on I will take a journey through my life. Everyone who wishes to jump on this train of emotion, heartbreak and sorrow the ride is free... comments are welcome but all will require moderation by myself.